Surviving Broken Page 3

  “What are you doing here?” She answered the door with a surprised smile. “I thought you were arriving tomorrow night.”

  Darkness shadowed the hollows beneath his eyes. His jaw stretched tight with pent up irritation.

  “I missed you. Is it okay if I showed up early?” he said abruptly, brushing past her, nonchalantly inspected the house as if he expected to find her with company.

  Her tummy twisted at his unspoken suspicion. “Of course it’s okay. You should’ve called, I would’ve made dinner.”

  Negative energy rolled off him like heat waves rising above hot Las Vegas pavement. After he sniffed around for five minutes, JC finally said gruffly, “Do you want to check under the beds? No one else is here. I didn’t come here to meet someone. I had lunch with my friends yesterday. Big deal! If you have something to say, you should just say it.”

  Resentment flashed in his dark, riled eyes. He reached for JC, grabbing her by the wrist. “I’ve missed you. Don’t go away again. I don’t like it.”

  Luca’s lips crushed down upon hers, overwhelming in its demanding force. JC struggled, twisting away from his punishing kisses. He pushed her back against the wall and pulled at her shirt.

  “I’m sorry.” His ragged breath filled with apology. Clasping the sides of her neck, he tilted her gaze upward. “Please forgive me.”

  Her heartbeat raced with warning. Cautiously, she probed the blackness tucked behind his thick lashes for remorse.

  “I am sorry.” His kisses turned soft and seductive, tasting her slowly. He nibbled and separated, gradually penetrating her mouth with heat filled kisses, soothing her reluctance.

  The weekend turned out to be a good time. They shared a booth at the trendy nightclub with the producer who invited her as well as a fresh-faced couple making a splash in Hollywood, and a model from Italy making her own public debut out with her wealthy yachtie-of-the-moment.

  JC tentatively introduced Luca as her friend. He graciously corrected her in Italian, stating that he was her boyfriend. There was no mistaking the fact that they were together. Luca hovered over her possessively, holding her hand, kissing her neck and dancing with her all night long. He didn’t make a spectacle of himself, but he let it be known JC Mathews was with him and only him.

  In spite of having an enjoyable weekend, the word boyfriend saturated her thoughts. JC left Greece with a box full of her belongings and one question weighing heavily on her mind. Is Luca really my boyfriend? I didn’t get struck by lightning. I don’t feel any different.

  JC unpacked a few of her favorite possessions. A bottle of her best perfume, a knit scarf Tracy made for her birthday, a silver chain from her mother, her favorite leather jacket and a few other pieces of jewelry. She’d been staying with Luca for five months and still refused to use the phrase living together. Nevertheless, she decided to claim a bedside table as her own.

  Reaching into the box, she retrieved a family photo taken at her mom and Tom’s wedding and placed it on the table. JC pulled out a picture of her daddy. It was her favorite photo taken the winter before he died. They were skiing in Lake Tahoe and John had snapped a picture of them snuggled together on the ski lift. It was freezing cold that day and he had cuddled up to her, wrapping his arm over her shoulder.

  JC traced her thumb over the photo.

  “What’s with the baseball bat?” Luca asked pulling JC from the memory.

  She wiped a tear from her cheek and lifted a wooden bat out of the box. “It was my Dad’s.”

  “And?” Luca shrugged with a bent brow. “Why’d you bring it with you?”

  JC sniffled, letting her fingers drift slowly over the smooth wooden bat. “It’s the only thing I wanted of his.” She shrugged with a small grin, “I just like having a piece of him with me. I’m a lot like my Daddy. I have his green eyes.”

  “You have beautiful green eyes.” Luca took the bat from her hands, leaning it against the wall between the table and the headboard. “I’m glad you brought your things. Maybe you’ll stay a little longer.”

  JC began to get restless. She wasn’t sure if it was the casual sophistication of Italian fashion sparking her desire to get back to work or the whole boyfriend issue, but break time was officially over.

  Several months prior to Tracy’s wedding, JC declared she was taking a gap-year. A few of her friends took a gap-year before starting college, backpacking through Europe, volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, doing charity work for a cause they supported. JC needed a break from the limelight. A hiatus from Hollywood she called a gap-year.

  The Hollywood spotlight seemed to shine brightly on her occasional blip of bad judgment, or worse yet, they fabricated their own humiliating stories. Normally making a bad decision wouldn’t be that big of a deal in the spectrum of life. However, when the paparazzi splashed it on the cover of a rag magazine, it was an entirely different story.

  She called her agent Dan, hoping he could drum up some work in Europe. Ironically, he would be traveling to Italy in two weeks and happily agreed to put aside an afternoon for her.

  When she mentioned it to Luca, he didn’t say much. He barely spoke to her the whole evening, only telling her gruffly, “I don’t want you running off to have lunch with some guy.”

  “He’s married with two kids.” JC attempting to smooth over his insecurities, “Come with me. I’ll introduce you.”

  The invitation calmed his suspicions, but not for long. Luca’s confidence and self-assurance began showing cracks in its armor. Every time her phone rang, he wanted to know; who was calling her? What do they want? How do you know them? He questioned her numerous times about her relationship with Dan.

  “He’s just my agent.” JC explained, adding, “I told you, he’s married.”

  His eyes narrowed, raking a cool stare from her eyes to her chest and back again. “I don’t care if he’s your agent or if he’s married! Did you fuck him?” His condescending voice rose to the point of shouting.

  A shiver of rebelliousness rippled down her spine. JC grimaced at his harshness, snapping through clenched teeth, “No! I didn’t fuck him. Why would you think that?”

  Luca thrust his face inches from hers. His eyes turned tar black glaring at her in disgust. “You’ve fucked a lot of guys. I just figured you screwed him to get a job.”

  JC cocked her head defiantly, leaning even closer into his face. “I fuck men for fun. I prefer to get jobs the old fashion way, by merit.” Anger stung the corner of her eyes. “Screw you Luca.”

  She turned to leave, but he grabbed her roughly, holding her against the wall by the door. “I’m sorry. Don’t go. Please.”

  “Let go of me. That is not who I am Luca. You should know that by now.” JC squirmed, twisting her face from side-to-side to hide her tears.

  Catching a glimpse of the door knob sent a sick feeling whirling in her stomach and spreading to her chest. The shiny gold handle flashed like a warning beacon, begging for her to walk out the door. It was right there in her reach, but she felt disconnected from her body, unable to react.

  “I’m sorry. Don’t cry, JC. I won’t say it again. I promise.”

  Luca’s fingers enclosed around the back of her neck. His mouth bore down on hers capturing her mouth. Fury rose to the surface, prickling her skin, raising every fine hair on her body. She struggled at first, panting to find her breath. Her stance softened as he caressed her back and shoulders, luring her to stay with silky kisses and sweet endearments made in his native tongue.

  His way of apologizing was taking her to bed. Luca was a decent lover, but JC was beginning to wonder if she was a good lover. She’d slept with her fair share of men, but the “Big O”, was always somewhat elusive. JC took a more, hands on approach when it came to reaching her climax. Most men didn’t seem to mind, a few actually found it quite erotic. Especially if she knew it was turning them on, she worked it to her full advantage.

  Luca did not take pleasure in the fact that she required a little self-stimulation durin
g sex. Though they never spoke openly about it, JC knew it bothered him. He would remove her fingers from her favorite spot, raising her hand above her head or clasping her hands in his. Not allowing her the happy ending she yearned for. Frustrated with her lack of success and Luca, she began taking care of herself during the day when he was gone. This led to an entirely new chapter in her book titled, What the hell is wrong with me? I have a gorgeous boyfriend and I’m masturbating while he’s at work.

  As she laid awake in bed one night, staring at the ceiling Dr. Philling herself, she concluded that her inadequate orgasms were completely her fault. JC needed professional help, so she called her sister the next day and invited herself and Luca to dinner.

  After a delicious dinner and three glasses of wine, JC nonchalantly drug her sister outside to go for a walk. Strolling between rows of flawless grapevines, JC confided, “Tracy I need help, but you have to pinky-swear to complete secrecy.”

  Without breaking stride or even glancing at one another, each raised their hand and wrapped their pinky around the others, just as they had done a thousand times before.

  JC stopped. She kicked the dirt path unloading a big exhale full of angst. “I think there is something seriously wrong with me.”

  Tracy’s brilliant blue eyes widened with concern. She entwined her fingers through JC’s for admission support. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

  JC lifted her shoulders, giving a small shrug as she pulled in a deep breath. “I can’t have orgasms during sex. Ever! Hardly ever. Not just with Luca either.”

  Tracy’s mouth dropped open. Speechless, she stared at her sister in disbelief. She finally managed to say, “Come again?”

  JC threw her hands in the air. “I wish I fucking could! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  Shaking her head back into reality, Tracy asked, “You’ve never been able to have an orgasm with a man?”

  JC rolled her eyes, pacing back-and-forth in the dirt. “Yes, I have. With a little help.” She held up her hand and wiggled her fingers. “I mean…you know, I’m great on my own. But with Luca, or any other man, orgasms are like birthdays and holidays. They only come around once a year!”

  Tracy giggled at JC’s unintended innuendo, “Come once a year?”

  JC didn’t laugh. Heat rose to her cheeks and her brows furrowed as she blinked back her pent up frustrations. “What’s wrong with me, Tracy?”

  “Awe, come here.” Tracy pulled JC into her arms and swayed back and forth while stroking her long hair. “Maybe it just takes time for a guy to figure out the right buttons to push.”

  “It’s been six months! I think it’s me. Do you think it’s me? I’m totally mind-fucking myself now, trying to diagnose every move I make. I even tried to do the hands off approach.”

  Tracy frowned in confusion.

  “Oh for God’s sake! I didn’t fiddle my bean, rub one out, masturbate for over a week! Still nothing!”

  “Maybe you should talk to Mom.” Tracy suggested with a nod, as if it was the brainstorm of the year.

  JC wrinkled her nose repulsively. “Seriously? You want me to ask Mom! Oh yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do. I’ll call her right now.

  Hi Momma. I can’t get off.

  Hi JC. Did you say, you have a cough?

  No Mom. I said, I can’t come.

  Did you say, you started playing the drum?

  I said, I can’t climax.

  Did you say, you found dinosaur tracks?

  “Are you out of your mind, Tracy? Her and Tom walk by each other and flames ignite! Sparks fly! Planets align! They probably have sex more than all of us kids put together.” JC mindlessly played with a cluster of grapes hanging from the vines.

  “Exactly. I bet she’d have great advice.” Tracy stated. “Maybe you should talk to Luca.”

  “I don’t know. Some men are weird about that kind of stuff. I’d rather talk to Mom then Luca.”

  “If you live with him, don’t you think you should be able to talk to him?”

  “We don’t live together either. I’m just staying there.”

  “Same difference.” Tracy pointed out as they headed back toward the house.

  “Not to me.” JC assured.

  Taking her sisters advice, she delicately approached the situation one night with Luca. It did not go well. JC didn’t even get opportunity to fully explain. Her hopes of a, Hey baby, let me help you with that, were shattered thirty seconds into the conversation. Luca wasn’t the least bit understanding, declaring that it certainly wasn’t his fault she wasn’t a good lover. He even went as far as suggesting they practice more often. If that wasn’t a low enough blow to her self-esteem, he had the audacity to imply maybe she should practice her blowjobs too.

  JC didn’t care for the games that came along with spiteful vindictiveness, however she suspected there would be no more blowjobs in the near future for Luca. Prior to Luca, her talents received enough compliments to stroke her own ego. Luca was simply being a prick.

  Two days later JC met with her agent Dan. She tried to politely un-invite Luca, but he’d already arranged to take the day off work and wasn’t about to budge. Unspoken frustration weighed heavily on JC’s mind. She didn’t understand Luca’s jealousy or his occasional snide remarks. By the time they arrived at the restaurant, she hoped Luca wouldn’t say anything to embarrass her.

  Dan Carter was your average good-looking family man. Brown hair, full cheeks and light blue eyes that sparkled proudly every time he mentioned his two little girls. JC admired that about Dan. He was a bit disheveled and a no-nonsense kind of guy, but most importantly JC trusted him completely. The meeting went well. Dan assured JC that he would have a few jobs lined for her up by the end of the month.

  When she offered to introduce Luca to Dan, JC hoped it would ease his jealous suspicions. However, she was totally taken by surprise when Luca pulled out his portfolio, trying to sell himself to Dan. She couldn’t blame him. Luca had dreams and this could open a door for him. He was assertive and ambitious with a sexy body and charismatic smile. His forwardness was part of the reason she was attracted to him.

  Dan looked over his portfolio attentively, giving an interested nod of approval. He explained, with regret, that he didn’t represent couples, but gladly gave Luca the name of a woman who would certainly be interested.

  Luca had an audition by the end of the week. JC gingerly warned him not to get his hopes up. Listening to him boast, anyone would think he was going to be the next up and coming big thing in Italy. Confidence was a great asset. Over-confident was a big no-no in her rulebook. Nevertheless, within two weeks Luca had his first shoot scheduled and another job lined up.

  JC took him out to dinner to celebrate his success. High on the possibilities of success, Luca talked nonstop about his agent, the shoot, upcoming opportunities. A passionate flame burned in his eyes. By the time they got home, his hands tugged aggressively at her clothing and he tossed her onto the bed. He was so high on life, Luca didn’t stop her from her own self-indulgence.

  “Why’d you stop modeling?” They laid in bed, Luca’s warm his hand rested on her hip.

  “I didn’t stop. I just needed a reality check. Things…people get cloudy. It’s hard to know who your friends are, Luca.”

  “I thought maybe you gained too much weight? I think you still look great.”

  Thank God she was laying down or she might have fallen over.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean? I haven’t gained weight!” JC shrieked, utterly dumbfounded by his deliberate rudeness. Blessed with good genes and her mother’s metabolism, JC stood at a curvaceous 5’8” and weighed one hundred and forty pounds.

  Luca’s voice rose contemptuously. “I was simply wondering why they quit calling.” His fingers trailed down the hollow in her throat to the curve of her breast. “I have the name of a good doctor if you want to get your boobs fixed.”

  The blatant insult deadened the thump of her beating heart. Every muscle in he
r body tensed, firing off a round of angry butterflies in her stomach. She shoved his hand away from her breast, jolting out of bed.

  “My boobs are perfect. And they didn’t quit calling! I quit answering!” JC turned and glared him in the eye, hoping he’d read between the lines. “I’m particular about a lot of things, Luca! I don’t care for some of the bullshit that goes with the industry. But I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”

  It had been days since Luca degraded JC while lying in bed. He apologized numerous times, trying to convince her that he was only joking. When she still wouldn’t soften, he asked if she was PMSing, calling her sensitive.

  Sounding like a strict mother, JC snapped, “Some things you can’t take back.”

  Luca played it cool, surprising her with a candlelit dinner, impromptu backrubs, whispering in her ear in Italian. Luca knew the language of love was her ultimate weakness. He mixed it with a bottle of wine and JC caved, falling straight into bed with him. In between his bello and you feel good, Luca buried his face in the side of her neck and whispered, “Ti amo.”

  JC froze, acting as if she didn’t hear him.

  Love? I don’t think this is what love is supposed to feel like. I like him, when he’s not being a jerk. However, Luca was becoming more and more of a jerk.

  Unfortunately, the more time she spent with him, his true colors began to brighten, shining a spotlight on his condescending attitude. JC expected love to be heart-pounding fireworks of sheer lust. Unsaid words with a simple glance. A brush of the hand that would make you shiver and go weak at the knees. A happiness big enough to fill your heart with laughter every day. She kept waiting for these things to hit her in the head like a two-by-four, but there was no lumber lying around in her sights.

  She hoped the holidays would provide a fresh perspective. JC didn’t exactly invite Luca to Colorado for Thanksgiving with her family. She briefly mentioned what a shame it was that he couldn’t come along because Vincent had already arranged for vacation at Thanksgiving. She needed clarity, room to breathe, and time away from Luca to figure out her own feelings. The man thoroughly confused her. Sometimes he could be the most sensitive charming man, but occasionally he would say the damndest things. Insensitive, mean, hurtful things.